refracted light

and the noise and the boys and the hands and the lives that we live when we lie and can’t pass the time alone. you’re made of sparkly star dust, your wings keep time as they beat against mine. you’re a laugh and a smile that I don’t get to see. you hide from everyone, lately, even me. I could try again but i choose to come here instead where the fairies wear boots, stomp around in the night. They don’t have that holy california light. My city makes me sad, its all I ever had. The concrete breaks the silence. Where’s your voice when I need it most? Dulled into the speakers of my phone. Another goodbye, another plane trip. I’m trying to keep my grip on reality, trying to plant my foot, choose the path today. Open bar feeds sick little chicks. Sandy, young things, suck your dick. Don’t be afraid, we’ve all been there except now I’ve started to really care for you, for me, for anything that could be.

not losing myself in anyone: just the gentle curve of the n train as it lumbers into the sleeping city. above ground, so that i see the glint of the subway's silver roof in the 4 am moonlight; in the empty hollow voice of a nameless singer who recalls lonely streets and decrepit city dives; a bottle filled with coke and jack, downed quickly while looking for a taxi in astoria; the brilliant pain of a strobe light and high heels, when nothing matters but the movements of my body across from a boy.

evolve evolve with the past, with the present. move forward into the future while screaming out into the abyss below. hold tightly to the ghost if you must. I will not sink back into the cushy past of whispered kisses and dreams we shared. a robotic army marches over the hill at dawn stomping feet keep time with the second hand of the tower clock. under their wing of presupposed confidence they've got me with dreams marred by the realization that even those who want to know me best still don't get inside. a whispered kiss, a shaking hand, the heavy fragrance of thai jasmine just after sunset--I just want to wake up in the same place for months at a time. with my toothbrush and my clock. I just want to hear the radio boys and know where I am, aware of my location without looking out the window, without searching for a mental template to match the view outside.

I told her I felt like I just woke up as the elevator pulled us through the late afternoon heat. she said you need prozac. I kind of agreed even though we just met.