what it's really like

check the sky:
cotton candy pink
fades to a bruised purple.
a helicopter casts a golden light
over the grey sea.
these days zip by at lightning speed,
moody clouds and post-sunset haze
mask the piercing impact.
I wake up empty.
I go to sleep and it's alluring and terrifyiing.
your eyes haunt me when I rise.
if i'm lucky the most sense I can make
of it all is to lose myself in the right place:
the milky grey clouds
at dusk.
the city becomes a carnival in the summers.
I run from
ride to ride, chasing the exhiliration
from being upside down and
inside out. I was scared.
I still am. It was supposed to be
the turning point.

I want to make this moment last
It disappears too fast
and then i'm on a plane
watching the sun set,
thinking of you in the pouring rain,
dancing in grass as soft as earth.
I lost my gaze in the canteloupe colored horizon.
Lost myself in a skyscraper
enveloped by clouds.
Lost my best friend when
I slept with her man.
I can die but it won’t be the same
without you.

I wake up in a daze with a vague
jumbled sense of the night before
did we have fun?
I don’t even remember at first – I
think so.
I shipped 10 boxes home and headed out to the country
my existence is about to switch.
my existence is about to switch and I
want to reflect on the good and the bad before I take the plunge.
6 hours on a plane is impossibly long yet I always need more time
to embrace the transition.
dream to dream without waking up in between
sunlight spilling through the window of my corner apartment
then it’s the beach, the sand
the beats and my man.
who knows where we are
could be anywhere, wish I was
anywhere.

I want to redefine myself
starting with this salty air,
the soft sand, the gentle
waves like a lullaby.
the carnival glitters in the distance
it's always there
but I want to get off
reorient myself along the coast
in time with the tides
set my watch by the sun
the gritty clean scent is so natural
I almost can’t smell it until I’m gone.