how to escape from the mental hospital

For six thousand dollars and relatively few superficial wounds, you too can gain autonomy by escaping the instution known as NPI. Note: this has not been tried out on A-South, also known as the Mariah Cary ward. Note to Note: The Mariah Carey technique of flashing the security does not work, especially if you are not Mariah Carey, but also even if you are. Anyway here are the steps:

First, go to the nurses’ station and tell them you are definitely not suicidal nor would you hurt anyone. Insurance won’t pay for you to stay if you explain those two points to be incorrect -it saves them money. Open your eyes wide and speak clearly. Make sure no open wounds are visibile but also try to avoid long sleeves. They arouse too much suspiscion. Wear jeans and a clean t shirt and shoes to show you are eager and serious. Whatever you do don’t cry. Crying practically mandates another 72 hour hold in some of these places. Be sure pick a time when your doctor is unavailable even by pager. This way they will have to track down the resident on call to decide your case and he probably won’t have gotten any sleep so he won’t really be thinking too much about all the other times he saw you screaming obscentites and tearing your hair out, even if it's in your file.

Next, repeat your statements to the resident and add that you are done hurting yourself. Even if you never hurt yourself to begin with, this can really convince them that you’ve had an epiphany while locked in their dim little ward, which is everybody’s wet dream over there.

Third, and most importantly, subtly and knowingly remind the resident that you are over eighteen and can therefore leave any time you’d like. Arch your eyebrow like you are sharing confidential information between two colleagues. Indicate that you have the six thousand dollars or so for the gap between insurance coverage and actual hospital costs, regardless of whether this is true.

Finally tell the nurse your family has not come to get you, rather, your boyfriend is waiting downstairs and he can’t be bothered to park. He hates hospitals even more than you do. Gather your things and demand all the confiscated cigarettes back from the nursing station. Do this while the resident debates your case, to build momentum. Once he signs off, you are free. Oh, lastly, don’t forget to wiggle out of that green hospital bracelet before you get on the bus or walk down the street. It’s a dead giveaway.