enough

I wanted to forget her and everything that happened last year. i came so close until a cold night on chrystie street sent me crashing back into the past. the reality of all the years that i tried to forget played out yet again on a crumbling new york sidewalk. smashed me to the ground, I struggled to breathe through smoky air and the scents of gin and vodka tonics. I felt like I was reliving my worst memories, willingly. He showed me photos of the beach on his camera phone and talked about his dog. That night brought back so many more memories than I could handle. If its not a knife, it’s a boy or a girl or a cigarette, the choke of a thousand pounds of jewelry or the pinch of too-high heels.

I can’t listen to music without losing myself in the sound. I just want something to hold onto a little harder that won’t hurt me back in the process. I thought that after taking time off, working on myself, and learning to breathe deeply, I could handle the sounds and the memories again but I was wrong. I can handle the idea of her but not the reality. the idea seduces but disappears in seconds. the reality overwhelms me and makes me want to run as far as possible in the opposite direction. I caught myself thinking of her in the middle of the night, dreaming that we'd reconnected. I remember faster now why I don't want that to happen. two years ago I tried again to ignore her. months passed and no lovers lasted and we met again and again and the leaves changed. two months into winter and I felt too comfortable drowning in our drama. I went to san francisco and walked along streets lined with narrow pastel houses and I tried to be patient. by spring every time I walked out of her apartment I felt sad. she fought me with sharp words disguised as confusion. I didn't understand what was so wrong but I understand now. I need to hit that red blinking ignore button on my phone, or shut it off entirely, and avoid the temptation to pretend her words meant anything at all.