skin like velvet

the subway slithers underfoot and a cold wind blows dead dry leaves. night people crawl out of doorways and linger under storefronts. I sniffle in the wind and try not to turn into tears, try to consider putting down the cold hard knife I hold pressed against my skin, try to remember why I want to untangle my heart from its cool blade, try to tell myself I'm worth it. I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes and it hasn’t gotten any easier. A patio, a garden, a cigarette, a shared memory. a feeling we crave that we may never find in each other again. I must really like to punish myself. The thought faintly flickers through my head and I hurriedly push it away, bury it under soft jazz and fuzzy lights and kisses and smooth skin, soft hands, arms, legs. i want forever in this moment.

my car veers past alleys lined with victorian beach homes and turns right at El Tarasco. shakira sings estoy aqui and I hit the back button over and over again until i remember all the words. I stop in a parking lot near the boardwalk and leave the car. an orange streetlight burns into my retinas. el nino-like winds whip the palm trees and spit sand and water everywhere. i want to lose my memories in the rainy darkness and emerge baptized by the salty Pacific. i want to toss my thoughts into the frothy seas where they will tangle with trash and seaweed while i run free.